3's a charm

Uh oh, I feel another Dear Lord entry coming....

Dear Lord... Give me STRENGTH!

I'm in need of it. I've figured out the "tummy issues". I took a pregnancy test on Wednesday morning... two lines....... oh shit. I was just at the gyno on Monday. I just thought my period was late as usual. I even asked her for something for all the cramping, because my "period" was coming... I'm still waiting for it, hahaha. So today I went for blood work, and hopefully tomorrow when I call all will be well.

I just don't understand how some one who was classified "infertile" just 4 years ago, is now fertile mertle. We've been debating a third one ever since Jon was born. I really thought it would take a long time like the other two. With my first one it took 2 years to get pregnant, and now with this one 2 months! I don't understand. We actually did try at the end of September/beginning of October and then I got a big fat NEGATIVE. So I gave up, it wasn't meant to be. It took me 2 weeks to convince Jeff lets try and I was all ready to give up after one month. In October/November I didn't even care, I don't think we had much sex at all. I was actually thinking of changing my mind.

I just can't go through the trying to conceive thing again. Those of you who have never gone through it, have no idea how emotionally draining it can be. Each month you wait for your period, you feel "pregnancy symptoms", there's a glimmer of hope, you test... the big FAT NEGATIVE and then the blasted period shows up. Month after month, it become discouraging. You see others around you get pregnant with no problem. You just don't understand. WHY ME? This was me 4 years ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through.

I never thought I'd be a mother, and that's all I have ever wanted. I even went to an infertility doctor. All that money spent, and still nothing. Then all of the sudden, when I gave up, I could go on no more. BAM, I was pregnant. It's very cliche "forget about it, and you'll become pregnant". But it's so true. And how do you make yourself "forget about it". You just have to come to your wits end, it's not something you can fake. Fertility was always on my mind. "Is this the one?". I couldn't wait to have my daughter, and I couldn't wait to have my son, I didn't want her to be an only child. I didn't want much space in between kids. Mostly because there was soooo much space with my sibilings. I think that's the main reason why we're are not close at all, because of the huge age difference, that and that they are assholes, but that's another story.

So, I hope the blood test results are in tomorrow and all is well. I'm sure our family and friends will freak out, but I don't care. I'm happy, I'm shocked, but I am happy. I'm mostly happy because fertility doesn't have to be on my mind anymore. After this baby is born I am having my tubes tied, and I will end this chapter in my life, and enjoy the next. Our family will be complete, no matter what the sex is. And this is the first time I really don't care either way, and I will actually wait until I deliver to find out. And we're adding to the summer birthday problem, and now all kids will have to merge their parties together, oh well.

And the negative person in me, always has fears of miscarriage, even though I've never had one before. I really hope that doesn't happen, but if it does, then we will be happy with the 2 kids we have, and I will go back on birth control, mostly to regulate these awful periods. And I can't emotionally go through this again. I have no idea how I will go through this pregnancy while taking care of two little kids. Today I felt awful. The smell of their diapers were overbearing. I tried cleaning but couldn't do much. I'm glad I was able to get most of my cleaning done this evening. I have to jump on it when I can.

I can't stand a dirty house. There's a big difference from a dirty house and a messy house. I grew up in a dirty house, it was never messy, just dirty. And never will I live that way. I'd rather have a messy house. With a 2 year old, what else can you expect. But twice a week the house gets scrubbed down. I'm good about that. It's just straightening up that gets pushed off sometimes. Oh well, there's more to life than cleaning. But in life, cleaning is what you have to do. I've read some blogs where the mom feels guilty to clean in front of the kid, like you are ignoring them. Bull shit... the kid will live, and you will set a good example. Jon wasn't too thrilled to sit in his high chair for an hour while I cleaned the kitchen and living room, but did he survive... yes....... he wasn't crying, he was just fussing, and no kid every died from fussing.

Anyhow I've wrote out my feelings long enough...... I'm tired..... it's been a long day, the kids woke up very early... and I had trouble sleeping last night I had heart burn..... but we did all get a nap in... thank god for small miracles..... We just have to take it one day at a time. It will all work out somehow!