ugh!

So... how was Clara's Thursday...

I was emotional today... not just pregnancy emotional... typical Clara emotional with a little sprinkle of pregnancy emotional.... I wish my mind would shut off sometimes.... I'm tired of thinking..... Especially when I am trying to go to sleep, my mind just keeps going and going and going. Rehashing the same crap in my head. Sometimes the stupidest things pop into my head. Sometimes later on, I'm mad at myself for even thinking some thoughts. It is theraputic reading other blogs, because other people have the same feelings as you, so you are not as alone in the world as you think.

I cut out a great chicken and rice recipe, couldn't wait to try it... Had it in the oven for an hour. When I took it out to sprinkle the cheese on top, my chicken was RAW! I had to put the oven on 500 to cook this damn meal. I was so mad. Why does the stove need to die now. Why does all this crap have to happen right before Christmas. As if the sewer breaking a few months ago wasn't bad enough. So we debate, try and fix this old stove, or get a new one. Ugh!

Jessica got the big snow globe open and I had white balls every where, boy was I mad. And she just won't leave that damn tree alone, ugh! No nap again today, ugh! I forgot today she turned 29 months, luckily Jeff reminded me, so I could take her pic. I have been taking it on the 13th for 28 months, I would be really pissed if I missed this month. I just don't know where my mind is lately!

And I just hate it when my Mom enters my thoughts. I'm still angry she's not here. Some how I have in my mind how wonderful our relationship would be now and how much she'd enjoy her grandkids. But, maybe it would be crappy like it was years ago. Maybe this glorified image I have in my head of her coming over all the time, babysitting, spoiling the kids rotten, would have never happened. Who knows.

She shouldn't have had me so late in life, and she shouldn't have died so early in life. That's why I'm glad I will be a fairly "young" mom, I hope I'm here to see my grandkids. I want to be here for my kids for a long time! It sucks being a motherless daughter! I'll probably still be saying that still when I am old and gray. Time doesn't heal things completely. 6 years, still seems like yesterday. And I won't even get into missing my Aunt. But somehow I always think at least she made it to a ripe old age, my Mom was robbed of too many years. But living with that asshole wasn't a very great life, so maybe she's better off.

Ok, I should end this... I sound bitter....... I'm not really..... there were times today when my heart filled with joy by something the kids did or said... and tears were streaming from my eyes from happiness..... Yeah, I know... damn pregnancy hormones.........

I remember when I was pregnant with Jess, and I played a game with my inlaws, and I was partners with my father in law and he made a bad move, I cried..... and cried....... I remember when I was pregnant with Jess and we bought a new recliner right before christmas, I wanted Jeff to take down the christmas tree before christmas so it would fit better in the living room..... hahhaa........ I kept saying, what's the difference we won't be home all day on christmas, and he kept saying, yeah what's the difference if we leave it up, we won't be home all day, hahahaha.....